With the closing of Google Reader, I think blogging will be undergoing some serious revisions.
Its probably about time.
J. is 7 now. I started blogging when she was a little over 2 years old. She didn't talk a bunch then and she's still careful of her words now. I realize that her privacy, more than C. or A. is going to be important to keeping our relationship intact.
We just returned from a long trip to Guatemala to meet, visit, talk and get to know C. and J.'s first mom, their older sister (10) and younger brother (18 months.) The visit was hard and beautiful.
I am overcome with grief for my girls.
Yes, they have better housing, better access to education, but their loss, their deep and profound loss is greater and deeper than I ever anticipated.
8 years ago when we went down the road of international adoption it seemed like a great way to grow our family, to be more diverse, thoughtful, mindful about creating a family.
And as I grew as a parent, as a mother and as someone who knew more about international adoption I became acutely aware of my daughters' losses. They are great.
In Guatemala, the girls did not see the haves and have nots. They clearly saw the differences in living conditions. They clearly were aware of the differences in our lives. They were acutely aware that being together as a family, as a full family with their first mother, was only temporary.
I prepared myself for this day for a long time. The day where I would understand my two daughters grief and loss. The day where I might learn things that I wished were untrue. I have been confident in my motherhood and have never felt challenged or wistful of not knowing or of keeping information away from them. Not knowing seems callous and greedy.
I know a lot now.
I know that from here on out it will be my job to return the girls to their first mom often and regularly. Its not sharing, but its as inclusive as I can make it.
I know that from here on out I will not be supporting any kind of international adoption. The coercion, colonialism and greed can never be fully removed from the system.
I would still love to blog about teaching. I think teachers' voices are regularly silenced and bullied into quietness. I think the need to externally process student need will still be there for me. I'm not sure what that looks like, but it won't be here.
I'll still read blogs. I'll still talk about what it means to stand up and talk about race, racial inequalities, and what it means to live and parent in a multi-racial family. I'll be on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook. That's the easy part.
Finding the balance for the rest, will be hard.